What Does A Truly Good Friend Look Like?

I've always loved the Korean word for friendship - it's pronounced "oo jung." There was a time in my 20s when oojung was actually the bulk of my e-mail address, back when gmail didn't exist and most of us were at yahoo or hotmail.

More than ever, I find myself considering what constitutes a healthy friendship, for my own well-being, and also to do what I can to help our boys understand what a truly good friend looks like.

When I was in my 20s and highly malleable in spirit, thirsting to find a path to serve the greater good, I was strongly influenced by "A Course in Miracles," a collection of thoughts on conscious living that I understand to be a chief source of inspiration behind the works of the late Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Shefali Tsabary, and several others I have long considered mentors.

Back then, I was deeply committed to being a source of love and kindness to everyone I met, even to people who were knowingly unkind. The thought process behind that existence was that unkind behaviour was a call for help, a symptom of having been treated poorly by others. I really believed that by being generous and loving with everyone, I was doing my part to help people heal and access more of their potential.

I still carry a strong desire to be a healing influence in others' lives. But now in my late 40s and continually striving to transcend my shortcomings and brokenness in order to be a better parent to our boys, I no longer believe that life is well spent trying to be a deep well of patience, support, and encouragement for everyone.

The reason is simple. Not everyone is looking to grow and be of service to others and the greater good. My experiences tell me that there are people who actively and consistently seek to take advantage of others. I'm not writing of mutual caring that goes on between family, friends, and neighbours. I am deeply grateful for people who look out for one another, those who thoughtfully look to be helpful and bring joy to others' lives. I'm writing about purposeful, manipulative freeloaders who want others to continually finance their wants in life.

When I was a senior in high school, one such predator who I'll call Reggie wanted to take a 3-hour road trip to visit a university that he was interested in attending. He knew that I had already decided on a different university, but said that he wanted my company for the long day trip. Happy to feel that a friend valued me enough to want to spend that time together, I went along. Within an hour of hitting the road, this "friend" stopped to get gas and nonchalantly asked me to pay for it since I was coming along. I was too stunned to do anything but bring out my wallet and cover the bill, which in today's dollars, was about a hundred quid, no small change for a high school student. That one tank ended up covering the rest of the trip, so effectively, this fellow used me to finance his visit.

I've come to learn that the Irish call such people snakes. Sadly, I'm seeing that human snakes can find enough prey to fund a lifetime of manipulative mooching. They become experts at painting themselves as righteous people who are going through hard times and are in need of help from loyal friends and family members. Incredibly, they typically have the gall to declare who among them are worth being friends with and who are selfish users.

Snakey behaviour is especially difficult to deal with when there are innocent children involved. A snake does not care what it costs you in time, stress, and money to take care of his or her children; once they have a taste for your willingness to be kind and generous, they only become emboldened to get you to pay for their children's meals, experiences, and lodging many times over in the future, even if doing so makes life more difficult for your own family.

I've learned that some snakes actually view their prey as being weak, as having a need to be liked - when they identify such a person, you can almost see blood dripping off their lower lip. Jackpot - this is what they think. Jackpot.

Snakes come in many sizes and forms. But what threads their many phenotypes together is a deep-seated intention to have things and experiences that they have not earned. Or where there are progeny involved, to give their children a life that they as a parent have not worked to afford. Snakes do not understand the difference between needs and wants. Or perhaps they do, but they simply don't care. They know what they want for themselves and their offspring and they will manipulate others into making it happen regardless of what it costs others. A snake, by nature, feels entitled to la dolce vita and he doesn't believe he has to earn it.

In case my spirit for this topic isn't coming through, please know that I share all of these thoughts with great pain and a protective fire. Because of my personal experiences with the Reggies of our world, it hurts my soul deeply when I see a snake at work. I see that most people are good. Most people will be prey many times over until they realize they are slowly being choked out. This post is the equivalent of writing a letter to my 20-year old self to warn him about snakes, only it's actually for my children, other children, and anyone else who has not yet realized that human snakes are real.

When we realize that snakes exist and they will not hesitate to use us up, we have more capacity to protect ourselves. Most of us have a hard time saying no because we want to be kind and helpful, as we should continue to be. But given the finite nature of our lives and what we have to give in time, talent, and tithe, we better serve the greater good by identifying and saying no to snakes.

What if a family member - a parent, a child, a sibling - is a snake? Let's remember that by regularly feeding a snake that which it hasn't earned, we push the snake to a quicker death via gluttony, ineptitude, and a life that is dependent on others. If we want to help a snake shed its snakey ways, our best chance is to stop feeding it.

By saying no to snakes, we make more room in our lives for truly good friends, don't we? A truly good friend would rather punch him or herself in the face than continually take advantage of others.

As I recently wrote at my Instagram page, when we recognize what a truly good friend looks like, we know what it takes to be one.

Here’s to celebrating those who share healthy laughter that isn’t at the expense of others.

To those who value sharing ideas rather than gossip.

Those who don’t measure their own or other people’s worth by appearances and monetary wealth.

People who feel your triumphs and disappointments because they actually care about your well-being.

Those who have it in their hearts to listen with sincere intent to understand.

And of course, those who don’t repeatedly take advantage of others.