What To Do When A Loved One Is Chronically Negative

Hi Jurgita,

I agree with much of what Ben says. I would like to add some tactical considerations:

You get to choose how you feel.
Wow, easier said than done, isn't it? I think this is a practice, like going to the gym. It is a muscle that can be reinforced. A person's negativity is their's to own, but you can choose to be infected by it. This is the kind of practice that takes months/years to develop.

I see people stuck in a cycle of negativity that I cannot break for them, and nor should I expect to be able to. I empathize, I listen, and if they ask for advice, I give them some. Then I wish them the best, and I am on my way to other things. I believe that I helped them by listening and empathizing. The key is that I do not let it affect me.

What I don't do:
a) Tolerate the conversation for too long. I protect my time, and I am not immune. to the negativity contagion.
b) Try to cheer them up more than once. They can be very comfortable in their misery, and will resent you for trying to take it away.
c) Seek those people out.

What I do do:
a) Change the topic. Find something positive they like to talk about. I will actually say
b) Give body language that shows I am not interested. Stand sideways, look around, fold my arms.
c) Limit the time.

Dangerous things to do if you are feeling brave or want to enter some pseudo-therapy:
a) Ask the person to name the best 3 things that happened to them lately.
b) Point out that the world is much safer and better than ever. We have it better than the kings and queens of old.
Really Dangerous, and yes, I have done it:
c) "You have told me this story before. Do you have a new point to make? Otherwise, I would prefer to talk about something else". Prepare for either fireworks, or a level of self-awareness in the complainer that you did not expect. Perhaps they "regret being so negative", and need help getting out. They also have their cycles that take work to break...

Anyways, those are my thoughts. Hope they help!

Marc

This resonates with me on MANY levels. My mother and I had a horrible relationship in my teen years. I was a mess in many ways and I had no respect for her. As I matured I began to love her but not like her. Over the years I have grown and learned to become accountable for my behaviours, actions and thoughts. She seems incapable to recognize any imbalances in herself. She is extremely critical and negative. Whenever my sibling and I bring our challenges with her to her attention she always puts it back on us. I have managed to "handle" all of this by being very measured in our conversations and much prayer before we spend time physically with one another. This has worked for many years until a health challenge brought her to live with my family for the past couple of months. Oh my, I am having a hard time. So many issues I thought I was past have come to surface. I have had to confront that I love but don't like her. Dealing with this and all the guilt associated with these emotions have me in a whirlwind. I know she needs love and I do love her but do not have warm, welcoming feelings. This brings more guilt. A wonderful nun I met on a recent retreat helped me to honor my process. I can only give what I have. Just sharing this is cathartic. Everyone keeps praising me for welcoming my mom into my home. Saying what a blessing it is. I hate it but realize I must face my issues with my mom head on and find peace in this experience. Thanks for always being a voice of reasoning Dr. Kim and providing a place for me to vent. God bless

I experience a similar situation with my own mom who has an addiction to gossip and negative talk. I think it gives her some sense of control over her world. It was impacting our relationship in bad way where I would feel used and drained after talking with her. Like you, I did reach out to Dr. Ben Kim a while back and one thing he said was “manage the distance”. That stood out and since then I have made a conscious effort not to call my mom too much. Once a week or maybe twice is enough. We don’t live close so phone calls are about all I can do with a few visits a year. I have also found that if I call her in the a.m. time, 9am/10am her mood and outlook is much better, and we have a more pleasant conversation. If I call late in the day say 4pm - 7pm her tendency to gossip and be negative is greater. Look for patterns in your mom’s behavior and if you see where one time is better than another to call or stop by for a visit, then put your energy into those times. Don’t be guilted into giving your mom all your energy all the time. You don’t owe that to anyone.

Both of discuss a matter of importance but what I did not see mentioned is , now considering the subject, what sort of parent are you going to be? Encouraging, supportive and loving is a good place to start. Our children obviously have their own paths to take. A overly cautious or foolhardy route may both have the same destination. They will have their dreams and the parents should aid them in the attainment, perhaps with advice for sure, but like them, keeping one’s eye on the prize. As Bob Dylan sang , “Your sons and daughters are beyond your command.” We can best help our children by modeling love and integrity and giving some material aid when possible knowing your children have their own destinies. I just thought this didiscussion was also a good opportunity to address parenting too.

Hi Jurgita - I am pasting Karla's contribution from our Facebook page here, as I really value what she shares. - Ben

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I think it’s important to acknowledge to yourself the grief that comes from a situation like this, where someone you love and want to have a deeply connected relationship with isn’t capable of what you envision. It‘s critical to allow and process the grieving, though. It’s hard to release the expectations and honor the grieving while this person is still alive (or still in your sphere of daily life) and while also exploring different ways to interact. Give yourself room to grieve and release, then ponder and develop the new expectations.

"I thought you quit smoking 3 years ago" I said.
He took a desperate drag from his cigarette and stared down at the front lawn of his mother's house. "I did" he said "don't tell my wife. I've just gotta have a cigarette, Mom's driving me crazy!"
"I told her you hadn't come back from the store yet. There's food warm in the oven for you whenever you want it. She and I are back to sorting through her closet now."
"How do you stand her?"
"She is your mother, not mine. I do not need her to be my mother. What she herself needs right now is a mother, and I know how to be a mother."

I went back to helping his mother sort through her closet...and her life. There were a thousand memories to sort through...some to be treasured...but many more old issues, injuries, angers, disappointments to be vented, re-visited, sorted out. It is a long process to sort out the memories, issues, and baggage of a lifetime. What his mother needed was a mother of her own to cook and clean for her and to listen to her anger and her sorrow, her issues with her own parents, partners, children... to clip her toenails and brush her hair and tell her that that in spite of all of the chaos, catastrophes, arguments, and disappointments of life... that she had done well enough... that she herself had been good enough...to be loved. "There was the war, you know, it changed everything..." she said.

There were shopping bags of things to be given away, paper to be recycled, trash to be emptied. I put a box on the stack of boxes to be moved with her into assisted living as her son finished eating and poured himself another glass of wine amid the piles of paperwork on the kitchen table. Her son was a man of sixty... yet also somehow looked like a young boy... in need of a father to tell him that he had done well enough...that he had been good enough... to be loved.

There comes a time in life when roles reverse... when the child becomes the parent... and the parent becomes the child...
but long before that eventual point of surrender both parents and their adult children will struggle with themselves and one another whenever they simultaneously are in need of the comfort, reassurance, love and support of a mother.